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 A dip into my personal life....

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rdersham
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PostSubject: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:10 pm

My husband and I got to talking last night about different things. One being the fact that he has changed since he joined the Navy, does anybody else have this problem with their DH?? He USED to be more sensitive, affectionate, and more respectful but it seems like he has been bringing his work life home and it puts stress into our marriage because he HATES his job. Everyone at work always tells him that I'm gonna cheat on him and leave him while he's out to sea or something. He trusts me and KNOWS that I won't do such a thing but I'm sure it makes him stop and think about it. Well, last night after our conversation, I was like....."You know, if I didn't have the morals that I have, didn't love you, care about you, and respect you....YES, I WOULD cheat on you with the way you treat me now....Pretty much like I don't exist. You come home, play video games, we eat dinner, we watch Family Guy (since that's what he likes to watch), and a little after that it's time for bed already. It doesn't surprise me that some women DO cheat because when their husband comes home, they want to talk to him, cuddle with him, and just spend time with him and when he doesn't reciprocate that feeling, it hurts. So, IIII think men have to WANT to be that 'other guy' that she cheats on you with because that guy is the one that's around, cares about you, and gives you what you are lacking in your marriage." I had to pride myself on saying that one because I think the end was a pretty good theory. So, I told him next time a guy at work tells him I'm gonna cheat on him that he should tell them that. Maybe if they stop treating him with disrespect and stop being jackasses, he wouldn't have to worry about me cheating on him because he wouldn't be stressed when he comes home; therefore our marriage wouldn't be affected. Just thought I'd share my thoughts and opinions with everyone else. I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions as well!
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UncleSamWifey
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:32 pm

I only know my husband like 2 years into his military career...Ive dated all military/cops for the past few years.Im use to the distance,and the deattachment from everything...

But...

That being said.My husband is very affectionate...sometimes it is chokingly affectionate.Sometimes I dont wanna be hugged...or makeout...thats just me.It doesnt mean I dont love him or I dont care about him.Im just like that.I would never ever cheat on him regardless of our sex life...haha.(This is something that has been much of a fight for us lately...I could care less for it,because Im just wired weird like that I guess...I dont know.)

I def think you need to express it to him,and talk it out.We always discuss how something makes us feel.Sometimes you gotta suck it up,and make some effort.I know I do...haha.

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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:29 pm

I was sooooo worried about my hubby changing once he joined the Navy. We had been married for 2 years before he joined so we already had a good routine and everything going and I knew this would definitely mix that up. Plus, my brother joined the Coast Guard about 6 months before my hubby left, and when I went to my brothers boot camp graduation it really scared me because he was just so disconnected. Me and my brother are really close and growing up, no matter what was going on, I could ALWAYS get him to laugh and smile...and I wasnt able to do that after boot camp. So I was worried the same thing would happen wih Scott. But Im happy to say he is just a new and improved version of his old self. We are super blessed though because he has an amazing job and its shore duty. I do know from earlier on in our marriage though that when they have a sucky job, its really really hard for them. I think because its a macho guy thing that they have to go to work and support the family and all that so they have a lot of stress on them already, plus the fact that theyre in the military adds that much more stress. I would just say keep the communication open, tell him that he needs to tell the guys who talk crap at work to f*** off, and just keep trying!
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:34 pm

My hubby has a tendence (sp?) to bring home his work with him......all the stress that gets put on him comes home and it sucks! I've learned to ignore him when he's getting "bitchy" about work and he know that I ignore him! I've told him that when he comes home his work needs to stay on the ship......he doesn't get alot of home time with the kids and me and having him "bitch" about work all the time gets annoying! He now knows that if he wants to "bitch" about work he needs to call and talk to me about it on his drive home......he's got an hour or so drive so that gives him plenty of time to get it out of his system!

As far as the cheating thing......we dealt with alot of that during his first deployment! Granted we had been together for almost 3 years at that time but there was still that thought in his head that I would cheat on him! He knows and knew better than that too!

I agree with Rachel.....keep the communications lines open between the both of you! He needs to tell the other guys that they need to mind their own business.....if there wives/girlfriends are cheating on them then that's their problem. They don't need to go around telling everyone else that their wives/girlfriends are going to cheat too!

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imkele
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:40 pm

I've had that problem but we've also been apart for almost 17 months due to bootcamp, A school then Limited Duty. After Bootcamp, he was a new and improved version of himself. Once A school started, he changed a lot. He became distant and started acting like I didn't exist half of the time. He still acts like that sometimes. Even when I went out there to visit him, he was distant and not very affectionate, which is very unlike him. He was the same way when he came home. The only time he acted like himself since A school was when he came home on emergency leave when I had to have breast surgery. They removed a fatty tumor that thankfully was not cancer. I think that he just doesn't know how to deal with separation and his way to deal with it is just to detach himself. I'm hoping that once we are living in the same household again, things will get better. I definitely think that counseling will help us. He said that he is willing to do that once we are back together. After everything we've been through, I really think we need it. I know it has nothing to do with his job because he absolutely loves his work.
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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:01 pm

yah i know for a lot of people their automatic reaction to separation is just to distance themselves...i guess its a defense mechanism.
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imkele
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:16 pm

Yeah. With us, it almost destroyed our marriage. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm way to stubborn and I don't give up on what I want and that I love him so very much, I would have left him months ago. But I made a commitment to our marriage and I'm not giving up on it without a fight and you can't fight for something when you are apart.
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seabeewife
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:33 am

I married my husband at least a couple years into his career so I did not know his "former life" however I did notice upon moving in with him that he would come home from work and "bitch, or vent" My thing is I always take it as a priveledge, as annoying as it gets at times, but he trusts me to listen to his issues. I also work full time so when he does his venting and I am there for him, when I come home from work and do the same thing to him he reciprocates. The biggest thing is communication, we dont have worries of cheating we are always talking about everything whether it be work or just people pissing us off. The military has only made us stronger, the distance making the heart grow fonder and all that b.s. cliches.
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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:59 pm

imkele wrote:
Yeah. With us, it almost destroyed our marriage. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm way to stubborn and I don't give up on what I want and that I love him so very much, I would have left him months ago. But I made a commitment to our marriage and I'm not giving up on it without a fight and you can't fight for something when you are apart.


yay kelly!
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brittanyu
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:25 pm

My hubby has changed some but for the most part he is the same guy i knew pre navy. The only thing that has changed noticably Atleast that i can tell is he drinks more... He dosent drink a lot but he used to never drink .... But any way off topic i know sorry....

I really hpe he dosent listen to those guys at work because it just seems like guys are miserable and try to make everyone the same way as them... They dont care about anyone but themselves and they dont care if they hurt you by telling you hubby b/s stuff like that! Guys can be real jeark heads sometimes! But I really just hope you and your dh can sit and talk all this out and he can understand where you are coming from.

Good Luck with everything! **Hugs**

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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:55 pm

i talked to my hubby about this and he said that usually guys will say that because theyre scared that their own SO will cheat on them so they want to bring everyone else down too.
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imkele
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:59 pm

Thanks Rachel!!!

My husband said that they used that tactic when he was in bootcamp saying that their wives/girlfriends were at home cheating on them with one of their friends. Pete, knowing me the way that he does, knows that that is the last thing in the world that I would ever do. But being the visual person that he is, he starts visualizing me with every guy that we know. Of course dismissing every last one of them until he gets to one. HE gets this thought in his head of me all dressed in leather as a dominatrix, with a whip, beating a gay friend of ours who is the person who married us. Everyone who has seen our wedding pix said that he looked like Friar Tuck. LOL!!!! He is 5'0" and about 250 lbs. The picture that he got in his head made him laugh. It wasn't anything that he could actually picture happening but that was what his imagination came up with. HE said it took every amount of energy and military bearing that he had in his body to not bust out laughing in his instructor's face when that came into his mind. When he told me this, I fell on the floor laughing. I'll upload a pic so you can see what he looks like. Just thought you all might like a good giggle!! :lol!:
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UncleSamWifey
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:06 pm

hahaha.

niiiiiiiiiice.

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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:45 am

lol soooo funny! friar tuck...every girls dream!
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rdersham
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:32 am

thanks for the guy input, rachel! and thanks for the advice everyone else. i talked to my dh (and i do mean dear husband, not darn, lol) about this and he said he knew that he had changed and that he wanted to be better because i deserve better. he said i'm still the same caring person i was when we first met and he still loves me just the same. he mostly thinks that he just hates his job altogether so when he comes home he just wants to relax and not be bothered to do stuff, think, or talk. i definitely see a little bit of improvement already so i'm excited about that! thanks again for the support ladies!
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:06 am

No sweat.

Just give him time to detox....thats what I always did with my ex who was a state trooper.I didn't talk to him until he was out of uniform,and relaxed in front of the tv...haha.That helped ALOT.

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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:03 pm

awww youre welcome. hopefully things continue to get better for you! make sure you let him know that you see improvement too because that will just encourage him to be even more better!
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imkele
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:43 am

Rachel wrote:
lol soooo funny! friar tuck...every girls dream!

Seriously... Check out my wedding pix in the Say "Cheese" Room. He's the guy in the green with the bald head and the goatee.
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imkele
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:47 am

Your welcome Rachel. I'm glad that things are getting better for the two of you.
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rdersham
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:40 am

thanks, i can always count on you ladies to help me out and cheer me up! :D
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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:42 am

UncleSamWifey wrote:
No sweat.

Just give him time to detox....thats what I always did with my ex who was a state trooper.I didn't talk to him until he was out of uniform,and relaxed in front of the tv...haha.That helped ALOT.


heh yah scott has to come home and play a game of warcraft before we can talk lol. well any meaningful conversation anyways heh
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rdersham
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:48 am

yeah, that's how phil is...i always have to talk to him during a commercial or make him pause his video game when i want to talk and even then it seems like he's tuning me out :(
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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:51 am

hehe yah, whenever im like "i already told you that!" or "i already asked you this!" hes like "well...was i on the computer?" lol
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rdersham
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:53 am

EXACTLY! i do the same thing and then i get irritated that he doesn't listen to me, lol
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Rachel
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PostSubject: Re: A dip into my personal life....   Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:58 am

yah...im usually just like ok well im going to wait 30 minutes to see if you can remember and then if you cant i will remind you. and he gets all mad cuz hes like no no no tell me now! lol its his punishment though to wait!
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